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I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.

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How to translate drinking talk
1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.) 2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU." (Happy hour is about to end... beers are now a pound, but by the next round they'll be 2.50 a pop.) 3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.) 4. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?" (What's cheap?) 5. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE." (FEMALE) (I'm easy.) 6. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE." (MALE) (I'm gay.) 7. "I'LL HAVE AN AMARETTO & OJ." (FEMALE) (I'm really easy.) 8. "I'LL HAVE AN AMARETTO & OJ." (MALE) (I'm really gay.) 9. "DO YOU HAVE ANY SAMBUCA?" (I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.) 10. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means I get to lick you.) 11. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you in bed?) 12. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE) (I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.) 13. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (MALE) (It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, probably spent half my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.) 14. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE) (You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.) 15. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE) (I'm horny.) 16. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.) 17. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE) (Get the hell out of the way.) 18. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.) 19. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE) (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.) 20. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a ho.. And get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the slut you are, bitch.) 21. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR." (Did I sleep with him/her?) 22. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE) (I'm 16.) 23. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE) (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .4 after my last visit here.) 24. "NO, REALLY, I'M OK TO DRIVE." (I'm wasted, and I'm too embarrassed to have anybody see who I'm going home with.) 25. "I'M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS." (I can't throw anything smaller than a pool cue when I'm this bombed.) 26. "LET'S GO OUT TO MY CAR AND GET SOME CIGARETTES." (MALE TO FEMALE) (You would look great face down in my lap.) 27. "I'VE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY." (I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.)
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