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Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. * Ambrose Bierce

Funnies

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The unnofficial smiley dictionary
:-)   Your basic smiley. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or
      joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix.
;-)   Winky smiley. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.
      More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smiley.
:-(   Frowning smiley. User did not like that last statement or is upset
      or depressed about something.
:-I   Indifferent smiley. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as
      good as a happy smiley
:->   User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-).
>:->  User just made a really devilish remark.
>;->  Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.

Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones:

(-:   User is left handed
%-)   User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight
:*)   User is drunk
[:]   User is a robot
8-)   User is wearing sunglasses
B:-)  Sunglasses on head
::-)  User wears normal glasses
B-)   User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-)  User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a Big girl
:-{)  User has a moustache
:-{}  User wears lipstick
{:-)  User wears a toupee
}:-(  Toupee in an updraft
:-[   User is a Vampire
:-E   Bucktoothed vampire
:-F   Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-7   User just made a wry statement
:-*   User just ate something sour
;-(   User is crying
;-)   User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-@   User is screaming
:-#   User wears braces
:^)   User has a broken nose
:<)   User is from an Ivy League School
:-&   User is tongue tied.
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-)  User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-)  Same thing...othe r side
|-I   User is asleep
|-O   User is yawning/snoring
:-Q   User is a smoker
:-?   User smokes a pipe
O-)   Megaton Man On Patrol!  (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:-P   Nyahhhh!
:-S   User just made an incoherent statement
:-D   User is laughing (at you!)
:-X   User's lips are sealed
:-C   User is really bummed
<|-)  User is Chinese
<|-(  User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
:-/   User is sceptical
C=:-) User is a chef
@=    User is pro-nuclear war
*<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat
:-o   Uh oh!
(8-o  It's Mr. Bill!
*:o)  And Bozo the Clown!
3:]   Pet smiley
3:[   Mean Pet smiley
d8=   Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9   User is licking his/her lips
%-6   User is braindead
[:-)  User is wearing a walkman
(:I   User is an egghead
<:-I  User is a dunce
K:P   User is a little kid with a propeller beenie
@:-)  User is wearing a turban
:-0   No Yelling!  (Quiet Lab)
:-:   Mutant Smiley
      The invisible smiley
.-)   User only has one eye
,-)   Ditto...but he's winking
X-(   User just died
%\v   Picasso
87)   User wears glasses and has a pointed nose
8 :-) User is a wizard

C=}>;*{O)  Mega-Smiley... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an
           updraft, a moustache, and a double chin
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