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"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93


Pre-match rituals
Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing "The Haka" before their world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Pal? before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads. The Ireland team will spilt into two, with the Southern half performing Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room. Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forceably removed by the Stewards. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will corral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves. The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called "Saving No 8 Lyle". Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom. The Italian team will arrive in red penis extensions, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it, and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government). The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.
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