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So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

Funnies

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Some sick princess Di jokes
Q. How did Di stay so thin? A: It was that crash diet... Q: What were Diana's last words to Dodi? A: Isn't it wonderful that the fortune teller said we'll live happily ever after? Poor Di.... dead as a Dodi Q: Who was the last guy to fuck princess Di? A: The doctor who turned her life support machine off Q: What's the difference between footballers & Princess Di? A: The footballers came out of the tunnel on Sunday Did you hear about Princess Diana all over the radio... and the steering wheel and the dashboard and the seat covers... How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders on the dashboard Q: What's the one thing that attracts Diana more than a wealthy Egyptian? A: A solidly-built Pole. Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog........When a passerby said "Morning", Charles said "No, just walking the dog." What did Dodi say to his chaffeur?............"Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di?" Why did Elton John sing at the funeral?..............Because he's the only queen who gives a fuck. What's Di getting for Christmas?.......The Queen Mother. Did you hear that Dodi wanted to go night-clubbing but Diana just wanted to crash. What is the difference between a Mercedes and A Skoda?.......Princess Di wouldn't be seen dead in a Skoda. What was the last thing that Princess Diana had to drink?.......A Harvey Wallbanger with six chasers. Have you heard that Princess Diana was on the radio? And the dashboard, and the windscreen, and... What did the French mortuary attendant say when he got the body bags?.........Zip-a-de Dodi, Zip-a-de Di Apparently it wasn't the chauffers fault, Di had also been drinking, reports show she had 2 pints of Carling in her. Why is my Uncle Ted like Dodi's chauffeur? Because he also used to drive a Princess before he smashed it up. What's the difference between Swampy and Princess Di? They both go into tunnels, but only Swampy comes out of them How did the crash investigators know that Di had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders on the dashboard. Knock knock. Who's there? Di Di who? See, easily forgotten. Apparently the chauffeur wasn't the only legless person in the car. Di was on drugs... Speed, then smack. If Di's heart was in the right place how come it ended up on the dashboard? What does Diana stand for? Died In A Nasty Accident. What have Princess Diana and Pink Floyd got in common? They both had a hit with the wall. What does Di rest her head on ? A pillar. What is the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz? At the London Ritz you get after dinner mints, at the Paris Ritz you get minced after dinner. Did you hear that the French Doctors could have saved Diana but they didn't have the parts for a 1961 Princess. Did you hear that the paparazzi were in deep shit in Paris? Just before the ill-fated Mercedes left the Ritz on that fateful night, they were shouting "Di, Di, Di". What's Di's fave ice-cream?..............Walls Headline describing the Royal Mail' s decision to not deliver letters on Saturday...DIANA CRASH HAS IMPACT ON POST What Have Di & Ian Wright got in common ? Both hit the post 4 times at the weekend What's the similarity between Neighbours & Prince Charles ? Neighbours have Mrs Mangle, Charles has a mangled Mrs. Diana was so wrecked she could hardly walk. What's the difference between George Best and Dodi's chaffeur? George Best can still take corners when he's pissed. What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Lady Di? Tiger Woods has a good driver. What is Dodi's new pet name for Di? Squidgy What does a bee have in common with a Mercedes? They both make Royal Jelly What's the difference between Dodi and Di and Charles and Camilla?.............Dodi and Di are just a crush That was final proof that a Mercedes Benz how d'ya paint a merc red?...............Di it. Do you know what was playing on the stereo when the car crashed? Going Underground What did Di wear for her funeral? A dark blue bonnet. Apparently Dodi asked Diana whether she wanted to crash at his place or hers. What sound did the ambulance make?.....Dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi.... What's the Queens favourite car?...............A smashed up Princess Apparently, Diana had a pizza in the Ritz before the fatal journey. Silly cow asked for extra paparazzi. What was the last thing Di said to Dodi? 'These paparazzi are driving me up the wall' Why are French tramps like Princess Diana? Because you'll find them smashed against the wall of a Paris underpass on Saturday nights. Was that blue blood on the pavement .... no, it was only Di. Q: What happened to the Princess who stayed up after midnight? A: She turned into a concrete pillar. Q: Did you know Diana was cheating on Dodi Fayed? A: Just before she died she was fucked by a solidly-built Pole. Q Why was Diana pleased when she died? A She'd be the first to see the new Versace collection. Q What's the difference between the Scotland football team and Diana? A Scotland came out of the tunnel on Sunday. Q Why was the lottery moved to Sunday? A It was a roll over week. Q Why does Diana ride in a Mercedes? A She likes to make an impression. Q Why is Diana so thin? A The crash diets. Q What do you give the girl who's got everything? A A seatbelt and an airbag..... Q Last instructions to the chauffeur? A Drive Dodi and Di...... Two tourists get lost in Paris and find themselves in an underpass - one looks down and says: 'Is that blood on the ground?' Other one looks down and says: 'Nah.....it's just red Di' Q Where does Di stay when she goes to paris? A Any place she can crash. Did you hear Di was on the radio last Sunday? and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the seats... I suppose you all know Dodi's father owns the Ritz in Paris? Well, the latest advertising campaign is "Come to the Paris Ritz with Dodi and Di!!" Funeral Songs (Lord won't you buy me a) Mercedes Benz" - Janis Joplin "That'll be the day (that I Di)" - Buddy Holly "Roll Over, Lay Down" - Status Quo "Tunnel of Love" - Fun Boy Three "Who's Gonna Drive You Home" - The Cars
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