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"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93

Funnies

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The truth about Santa
1)  No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most
of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
 
2)  There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish and Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15%
of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference
Bureau.  At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per
household, that's 91.8 million homes.  One presumes there's at
least one good child in each.
 
3)  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seemes logical).  This works out to
822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian
household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to
park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house.  Assuming that
each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around
the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking
about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million
miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least
once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
 
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,
3,000 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the
fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe,
moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer
can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.  
4)  The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. 
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized
lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not
counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.  On
land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. 
Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull
TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or
even nine.  We need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload
- not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the
Queen Elizabeth.  
5)  353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates
enourmous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the
same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. 
The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of
energy.  Per second.  Each.  In short, they will burst into flame
almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and
create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer
team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. 
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which
seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh
by 4,315,015 pounds of force.  
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas
Eve, he's dead now.
      

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