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Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple- sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Funnies

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Quotes from the Montreal Comedy Festival
1. (On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Rich Jeni 2. "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."- Franck Dubosc 3. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Gary Valentine 4. "I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion...what was that conclusion, anyway?" - Rich Jeni 5. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.? - Jeff Green 6. "Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.? - Jeff Green 7. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" - John Wing 8. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Francois Morency 9. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" - Rich Jeni 10. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Tim Steeves 11. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.? - Jimmy Shubert 12. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.? - Rich Jeni 13. "I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec." - Marta Chaves 14. "To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end." - Flacco 15. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow) "Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white." - Tim Steeves 16. "My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said : 'Well, whose fault is that?'" - Emo Philips 17. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles) "Who the hell's got pickle questions?" - Tim Steeves 18. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline) "You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?" - Tim Steeves 19. "I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home." - Lenny Clarke 20. "My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." - Emo Philips 21. "What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt." - Ken Scott 22. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is." - Lenny Clarke 23. "I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels." - Carlos Mencia 24. "They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example.? - Rich Jeni 25. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips 26. "The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him." - Rich Jeni 27. "Montreal's not a city. It's a Disney World for alcoholics." - Mike Wilmot 28. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" * Emo Philips 29. "I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have chunk of poutine in my arteries." - Marta Chaves 30. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Rich Jeni 31. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Ren Hicks 32. "The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key." - Ronnie Edwards 33. "Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska." Carlos Mencia 34. "Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'" - Jeff Green 35. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative) "It's never 'positive sexual side-effects.' It's never 'gigantism' is it?" -Tim Steeves 36. "What's with the warning 'May contain some nudity?' Well, I have to know for sure." - Tim Steeves 42. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.? - Emo Philips 43. "My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head." I saw my president get head." - Elon Gold 44. "I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario.- after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem." - Derek Edwards 45. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Kevin James 46. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim) "I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear." - Mike Wilmot 47. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties) "Just before we go in she turns to me and says, 'Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and...' Oh, man. So why bring me?" (Then on departing) She turned to me and said, 'How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?' So I pointed out to her that it was *me* who vomited." - John Ljungberg 48. "Capital punishment turns the State into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the State into a gay dungeon-master." - Emo Philips 49. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a- bitch." - Rich Jeni 50. "Does Tampax really need is own Web site? 'My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room.'" - Elvira Kurt
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