Boss button
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.

Funnies

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Some bumper stickers
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * Montana -- At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. * Where there's a will, I want to be in it. * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act theirs. * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse. * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. * Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? * Assist the Police -- Beat yourself up! * Vehicle secured by mafia: You hit our car, we hit your car. * Nuke Unborn Gay Whales For Jesus! * MEAN PEOPLE SUCK, NICE PEOPLE SWALLOW * If Ignorance is Bliss, You Must Be Orgasmic... * FUCK THE POOR! (on a Porsche) * Don't steal, the Government hates competition. * Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. * I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! * Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. * Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. * What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free? * Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. * Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. * The gene pool could use a little chlorine. * I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. * All generalizations are false. * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. * "JESUS LOVES YOU! ...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!" * Promote pork, run over a chicken! * <--passing side suicide--> * I brake for hallucinations. * Yes, as a matter of fact, I do own the whole damn road! * Honk if you understand punctuated equilibrium. * Wanna get stoned? Drink Wet Cement! * Thanks for not BREEDING! * Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway. * My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student. * Don't Laugh - Your Daughter Might Be In Here. (On Old Truck) * Cats Flattened While You Watch. * I May Be Fat but You're Ugly - and I Can Lose Weight. * Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS * Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs. * Just say no to sexist Pro-Lifers. * My Other Car is a Broom. * "Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton" * Stupid People Shouldn't Breed. * Not All Men are Fools. Some are Bachelors. * Have You Flogged Your Crew Today? * Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humor. * Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy. * Eat American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong. * Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill. * Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch. * Disarm Rapists * My Karma just ran over your Dogma. * Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them in the Car. * Illiterate? Call This Number for Help... * Welcome to Colorado - Now Go Home * Smile - Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips. * "Telling an Old Person He's Useless Is Abortion on the Other End" * Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards] * Use Caution in Passing - Driver Chewing Tobacco * Your Mother's Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah...] * Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can * This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random * Black Holes Suck. * Lobotomies for Republicans - It's the Law * I Love My Country - But Fear My Government * If you don't like the way I drive, get the fuck off the sidewalk. * My honor student will be your kid's boss. And payback's a BITCH! * My child was Inmate of the Month at County Jail * Don't like my driving? Build your own fucking highway! * My daughter is student of the month at State Prison Fire FightersSchool * Would the last American leaving Miami please remember to bring theflag? * Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop * Happiness can't buy money * Open your mind, not a bible * CAUTION - BLIND DRIVER * gravity doesn't exists - earth sucks! * I wonder if you could drive any better if that car phone was up your ass! * Honk if you're overinsured * Hope you don't screw like you park, you'd never get it in! * If you parked any closer I'd need a can opener to get out! * Don't change Dicks in the middle of a screw -- Vote for Nixon in '72 * Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT * FEED THE HOMELESS, TO THE HUNGRY * What a lovely day, now watch some bastard come and spoil it! * It's not my driving, I'm trying to reload * Don't drink and drive...you might hit a bump and spill your drink * Guns don't kill people, Postal Workers do! * Just because we are grown, it doen't mean playground rules aren't in effect * Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? * Fight crime ... shoot back. * Jesus saves...by shopping wisely and using coupons * Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl. * Constant change is here to stay * CAUTION: I drive like you do. * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. * Sorry, I don't date outside my species. * I'm the guy your parents warned you about. * Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? * Most people make sense. I'm not one of them. * I'm not a complete Idiot, some parts are missing. * Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. * You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. * Couldn't afford to fix my brakes, so I made my horn louder. * Public opinion is what people think other people are thinking. * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. * Its not whether you win or lose. What counts is whether I win or lose. * I'm too busy to insult you, but your humiliation is important. Please hold. * Of course I'm Drunk...Do I Look like a Bloody Stunt Driver? * STOP GLOBAL WHINING * drive safely: heaven's full * Too close for missiles: Switching to guns. * I love pigeons... I mean squab... * Horn broken: Watch for finger. * So many pedestrians, so little time. * No radio, already stolen. * Roses are red Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, And so am I * Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm * I may be slow but at least I'm ahead of you! * Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery * My kid gave your honor student the answers to the final exam! * People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. * Education is the progressive discovery of our own ignorance * What do you mean, caffeine isn't a vitamin? * Of all the people I know, you're one of them. * I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. * I've had a perfectly wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it. * Who wants to take over the world?!? Then you have to *run* it, which is stressful, tedious and absolutely no fun. * Powers? I don't need no stinking powers, I've got a plasma rifle! * Disobedience was woman's original virtue. * God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off. * It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours. * I don't get even, I get odder. * I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays. * Dijon vu--the same mustard as before. * Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof. * Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. * Personally, I'm not gifted, I'm weird. * When in danger, When in doubt, Run in circles, Scream and shout. * Be ridiculous. * Roosters crow, hens deliver. * So many books . . . So little time. * Dogs believe they are humans. Cats believe they are God. * Life is uncertain, eat dessert first. * To err is human, to moo, bovine. * Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes. * Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open. * Being Politically Correct means Always Having to Say You're Sorry. * Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction. * THINK--it gives you something to do while the computer is down. * Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. * If at first you don't succeed, to hell with it. * Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. * Don't you just hate rhetorical questions? * Life is God's way of preserving meat. * No electrons were harmed in the creation of this message. * Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong. * The only evidence against evolution are its opponents. * If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? * If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? * Life takes its toll. Bring change. * Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. * Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. * Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. * The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant. * Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. * The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. * I put the "fun" in dysfunctional. * I don't live in a fantasy world; I only work there. * Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. * I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it. * If God though that nudity was OK, we would have been born naked. * For all soldiers: Remember your equipment was made by the lowest bidder. * To err is human, to forgive is not company policy! * My mind was never what it used to be. * If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. * If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking? * If those who know won't say, then those who don't know will say. * Now Accepting Compliments * I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * Two wrongs are only the beginning * I have not yet entered geezerdom, but I can see it from here * A mind is a terrible thing not to mess with. * A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. * Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. * Put on your seatbelt... I wanna try something. * The Universe is a figment of its own imagination. * There's no future in time travel. * Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn. * Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. * Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. * A day without sunshine is like night. * Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? * What happens if you get scared half to death twice? * If you can't convince them, confuse them. * Death is hereditary. * I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. * Multitasking - screwing up several things at once. * Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon! * Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth. * Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. * Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. * Polynesia: memory loss in parrots. * Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them. * Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? * For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. * MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe." * How does Teflon stick to the pan? * OK, so what's the speed of dark? * Black holes are where God divided by zero. * All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. * There's an exception to every rule, except this one. * Back OFF - I Have PMS and a Handgun in the Glovebox * We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God. * Discourage inbreeding; ban country music. * To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group * I have PMS and a gun. Did you have something to say? * You're just jealous cause the voices talk to me. * Lost your cat? Look under my tires. * If you're rich, I'm single. * I'm Immature, unorganized, irresponsible, lazy, and LOUD... but I'm FUN. * Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass * (Written in really tiny writing) Nosey little fucker, aren't you? * I do what the voices in my head tell me. * In God we trust. All others we monitor. * You! Out of the gene pool! * If I promise to miss you, will you go away! * We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. * The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. * Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. * WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. * If, a two letter word for futility * I don't care, I don't have to. * Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. * The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. * If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. * Work is for people who don't know how to fish. * As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. * I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. * Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. * God must love stupid people, he made so many. * I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. * It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * I took an IQ test and the results were negative. * It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. * I souport publik edekasion * I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. * Guns don't kill people, I do! * Life's a bitch. So am I. * I still miss my Ex sometimes... But my aim is improving. * I'm only driving this way to piss you off. * I love cats, they taste just like chicken. * Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and for profit. * Thank God I'm an Atheist * God doesn't believe in Atheists. * Cats - the other white meat. * Friends don't let friends drive naked.
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