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If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.

Funnies

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A whole load of Jack Handy quotes
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you, because, hey, free dummy. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals. Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we_build_ to that. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing? In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward. Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise. I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. The he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles Tadpoles is a winner " We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep Dracula _and_ Superman away. Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think like dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone. When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I though, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers. Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been. It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up. Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big, mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big, fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars " Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine. I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was _that_? " If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one. I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. I bet a fun thing would be to go back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would have a good laugh. We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say. Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags. A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead drove him to an old, burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham , you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much. I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain. It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up. If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you. If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject. People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening. If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?" I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They'd probably break down into their various gases before they even hit. Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa Whoa " and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in. If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised. It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared jackrabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING? Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words--"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots. Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags? Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have. The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down " yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move " screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened after that. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died from tuberculosis. I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet. Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks that much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life. If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny. Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you. Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars. I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me. If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance. When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard " Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life. If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed off the stage. They're just not ready. We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap? If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. If I was being executed by lethal injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'" They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it. I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven and pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy. Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that is least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise. I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak. I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it. I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard. Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving. It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire. I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel. The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man." I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge. If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me. The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor--through some kind of space warp or something. "Go, Bob, go " yelled one of the generals. "Give me that " said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor. If I could come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick , you're all over their lip People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair. If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might just fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party. To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender. It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick. I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not? I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't our real civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with a new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye. If you're travelling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it. I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later." If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him. If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be You know one thing that will make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.) If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
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