"I got a sweater for christmas..."
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cos I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." "The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content." "I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here." "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" "Buy one dog, get one flea..." "Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with." "I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner." "If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?" "I don't approve of political jokes,...I've seen too many of them get elected." "The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value." "There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's" "If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys." "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." "You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys." "I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect." "I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!" "Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive." "Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted." "Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom? "That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius... I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have Schiffer Brains." "No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team is winning." "Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked." "Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around." "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?" "Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?" "How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on." "Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?" "Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?" "Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis." "The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world." "Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled." "Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: 'Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.'" "Welcome To Shit Creek, Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!" "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?" "Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative."
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