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How to translate personal ads
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST...

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old 
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN 
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back 
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot 
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister 
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity 
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack 
Good looking............ Arrogant 
Honest.................. Pathological Liar 
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear 
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent 
Mature.................. Until you get to know him 
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested 
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself 
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall 
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday 
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested 
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

THE ADS FROM WOMEN...

40-ish.................. 48 
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will 
Athletic................ Flat-chested 
Average looking......... Ugly 
Beautiful............... Pathological liar 
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin 
Educated................ College dropout 
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated 
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster 
Free spirit............. Substance user 
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut 
Fun..................... Annoying 
Gentle.................. Comatose 
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic 
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time 
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only 
Open-minded............. Desperate 
Outgoing................ Loud 
Passionate.............. Loud 
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic 
Professional............ Real Witch 
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section 
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat 
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light 
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat 
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking 
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death 
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone 
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