Some quotes from Tim Vine
A whole load of quotes of his, that a mate just sent me, and I thought I would share: I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them. The fire brigade have tried everything. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray. So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest". You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?". So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar. Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets. So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. I saw a bloke playing "Dancing Queen" on the digeredoo. I thought "thats abba-riginal".
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