How to prepare yourself for a stay in hospital
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with his applicator. 2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat. 3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose. 4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort." 5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle. 6. Remove all 'proper' food from the house. 7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall. 8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
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