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How the Beer Scooter works
How many times have you woken up after a night of light drinking and thought,How did I get home"? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer is that you made the journey on a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport owned and leased by Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has diversified since the gradual decrease in the worship of the Roman Pantheon and invested in a large fleet of these conveyances. The Beer Scooter works as follows: The potential passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to emit a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors sends down a winged Beer Scooter, scoops the passenger up,and deposits him/her in his/her bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal. The Beer Scooter is an equal-opportunity conveyance and makes no distinction as to the passenger's sex. It is expensive to operate a Beer Scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken in payment. This generates the second question "How did I spend so much money?" Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI's (Unidentified Drinking Injuries) Another feature of the Beer Scooter is its destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that sections of time will be unaccounted for. This generates the third question "What happened?" With the best of intentions, Bacchus decided on the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments in Time) option, which automatically removes, in descending order, those moments in time regretted most. However, one person's EMIT is not necessarily the same as another's, and very often lost time is eventually regained. Independent studies show that Beer Goggles cause malfunction of the Beer Scooter's navigation systems, thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom with often-horrific consequences. (For further details on this phenomenon, refer to the well-known publication "I've Never Gone to Bed With An Ugly Bird But I've Woken Up With A Few"). Recent models of the Beer Scooter include a GPS, so Bacchus invested in a drive-through chain specializing in half-eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Question number four answered! For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's gardens or municipal flowerbeds, a box of Cadbury's Dairy Milk chocolates, and Thump-a-Lot Boots. These boots are so designed that no matter how quietly you try to tiptoe around, you are certain to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure you bump into every wall, and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) guarantees ringbarked shins. Question number five answered. The final optional extra which Bacchus saw fit to invest in on some Beer Scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through ten packs of Marlboro Lights in a single night.
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