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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller

Funnies

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Some classic quotes from the TV
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts." HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night." LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one." MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown: "Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol." DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers man." "Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time." HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night." ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room." CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off." JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69." STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside him." CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors: "That's enough Dick for both of you." EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen." CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
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