Some thoughts about life
Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date! I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately! Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom? "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning." I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18" "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?" "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?" Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved. The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport! Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been." The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content. Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrors. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'? I see your IQ test results were negative. Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected. How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers. If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
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