Boss button
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Funnies

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Some signs you've had too much to drink
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is. 2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo is truly the sexiest dance move around. 3. I've suddenly decide I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too. 4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago. 5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it. 6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much. 7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work. 8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me. 9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher. 10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming. 11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy. 12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it. 13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin. 14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor. 15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..." 16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it. 17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves. 18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap. 19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink. 20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.
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