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Funnies

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Some really crap jokes
If you have an aversion to groan inducing bad jokes that are as old as the hills, don't read any further... A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says,"I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"_ The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender slaps a frosty brewski down and says "For you, no charge!" Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this b.s. before. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy" I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"_ The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off." I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five you-know-whats." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove." What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. What Do You Call A Deer With No Eye? No Idea... What Do You Call A Deer With No Eyes or Legs? Still No Idea What do you call a man with 20 rabbits up his bum? Warren. A horse and a pony live in neighbouring paddocks. Every day they race down to the end of the paddock and back, and every day the horse wins. Eventually, the horse takes pity on the pony with his wee stumpy legs, and says "Look here, old chap, these races of ours are hardly fair, my legs are twice as long as yours, how about I give you a head start? I won't start running until you're at the end of the paddock and on your way back, that should even things up, don't you agree?" and the pony says "Why thanks very much, mate, that's very sporting of you". So the pony takes off running as fast as his little legs will carry him, but the horse starts off after him before he's gone ten strides! The horse of course wins yet again, much to the pony's annoyance. It just so happens that the farm's border collie has been watching and listening to this whole thing, so she goes up to the horse and says "Oi! That wasn't fair of you! You told the pony that you'd give him a head start, you said you wouldn't start running until he was on his way back! That was very mean!". And the horse says: "Holy shit! A talking dog!". How many mice does it take to screw in a lighbulb? Just two, it's getting them into the lighbulb that's the difficult bit How many Freudian psychotherapists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Just two, one to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis...I MEAN LADDER!!! a priest, a rabbi and a midget walk into a bar and the bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"
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