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"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95

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A questionaire from your deity
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Newspaper __ Bible __ Torah __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls __ My Mama Done Tol' Me __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Yahweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Paul Iannone) __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ Looks after life other than that on Earth (particularly that galaxy in Virgo that's full of Jews) __ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist __ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Shit was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it. 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Mick Jagger __ Cthulhu __ Baal __ The Almighty Dollar __ Bill Gates __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Ra __ Beelzebub __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ Elvis __ Cindy Crawford __ The Moon __ A burning shrubbery __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ CompuServe __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) __ Human Sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife __ Other:_____________________ __ None 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=3 unsatisfactory, 5=3 excellent): a. Disasters: flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 SPAM 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 b. Miracles: rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by July 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10^9 , depending on number of beings entered).
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