The Microsoft chair
Written by The Ghost In The Machine, on comp.os.linux.advocacy.
 Now available: Microsoft Chair. It serves one's favorite beverage. It fits one's tired bottom. It explodes for no apparent reason. Microsoft Chair. Because anything else would just be something to sit on. Comes with built-in TV set, phone, bird feeder, and matching draperies.  Microsoft Table. Ever wonder where you left your keys, papers, or second wife? Well, wonder no more, for Microsoft Table, in additional to being a sturdy support platform, also supports a built-in indexer, a TV set, and matching draperies. Requires Microsoft Chair.  Microsoft Lamp, to brighten your day. Just install and double click and your Table will be nice and bright. Comes with headset and matching draperies. TV set optional. [A] WARNING: Do not use Microsoft Bulb 1.0. Doing so will void your warranty, and may cause your computer to crash, divorce, and house fires. Make sure to use Microsoft Bulb 1.0.01-03, which contains the Auto-License Option. Please note that Microsoft reserves the right to look at your Table using the Bulb. [B] Under certain conditions Microsoft Lamp may explode if it shines on too many Tables. To forestall this condition, buy more Lamps. Thank you. [C] We've had some field reports that Microsoft Chair 2.1 may have problems with the light from Microsoft Lamp 1.0. This light, which as far as Microsoft can tell is no different from any other light except that it's DRM-enhanced, may cause Microsoft Chair 2.1 to fade to nothing and break apart under certain conditions. To forestall this, purchase a copy of Microsoft Umbrella. We're working on it. [D] It is not possible to move Microsoft Bulb from the Microsoft Lamp (Table edition) to the Microsoft Lamp (Floor edition). In order to upgrade Microsoft Lamp from Table to Floor one must buy another copy of Microsoft Bulb. Ditto for moving from Floor to Table. [E] Linux Sunlight is only a passing fad. [F] There have been field reports that Microsoft Bulb will flicker irregularly. We've been unable to substantiate such reports but do have a suggested fix: open Microsoft Table's handy Table Registry Editor Control (located somewhere underneath the drawer, depending on table configuration), and then look for the Object ID 01-XXAYAS-203490-IEI4.203/118. This object ID value can then be changed from FLARNK to WHACKO, in order to frizntan the kleemblebops and then [rest omitted for brevity]. This should fix the flicker. Remember not to felch the dirklkenas, as that would end civilization as we know it; Microsoft cannot be held responsible in such circumstances.  Microsoft Bulb. For use in Microsoft Lamp. Comes with matching draperies. Depending on version may require upgrading of surrounding TV sets. [A] WARNING: Draperies should not be installed more than once on a Window, nor should a Window have more than one Drapery. The extras should be kept in the off chance that one might need them. [B] WARNING: Draperies can catch fire. Do not place Microsoft Lamp too close to draperies. (About 2 miles away should be far enough.) [C] WARNING: In order to move Microsoft Lamp one must purchase the Floating Bulb Option.
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