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I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teen-ager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.


A guide for women (Men's version)
If men actually ran the world, here are a few rules we'd insist women live by : It is only common courtesy that you should leave the toilet seat up when you are done doing your business. If you're cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four male food groups: meat, anything fried, beer and meat. Don't make a man hold your purse in the mall. We don't like shopping and we don't like being dragged out to do it. When we ask for a threesome with you and your best friend, we're only joking. Unless you're game, of course. If you really want a nice guy in your life, stop dating good-looking assholes. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble, should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower on her infant when it walks for the first time. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. We heard you the first time. You know, you can ask us out too. Let us humiliatingly reject you for a change. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want an honest answer to. Of course we would like another beer. The man doesn't always have to sleep on the wet spot. If you'd do it once in a while, he'd appreciate it. Dogs good. Cats bad. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not remotely funny. Saying "fine!" and storming out of the room is not an acceptable way to end an argument. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions. He was not staring at that other girl. It was your imagination. Well, OK, maybe he glanced. OK, so what? He was ogling her. Big deal! Like you never looked at another guy. You can make your man very happy by telling him he's the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you've ever met. Even if you have to lie, he'll never know the difference. It's the thought that counts. Tell him all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones. Your butt and/or boobs and/or hair and/or makeup and/or legs look fine. As a matter of fact, they look damn good, so stop asking. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never, ever fake an orgasm. If we find out you've faked one, we'll never believe you when you do have one. And we'll always ask. Repeatedly. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with your man. Your bottle of Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower. We're going bald fast enough as it is, thanks. We don't need help. Two words: Oral sex. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, looks fine/smells bad, looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner. Yes, Sharon Stone, Pamela Anderson, Cindy Crawford and Jenna Elfman are prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas and Keanu Reeves are better looking than we are. But since none of us will be dating any of these people, get over it. Of course size matters, if not to you to him. Tell him he's got the granddaddy of them all. Again, lying is OK. He'll want to believe you. His bald spot and/or beer gut and/or impossibly thick glasses and/or ugly feet are charming and endearing. Again, remember the rule about lying. Don't hog the covers. We don't want to be just friends. Ever. So don't suggest it. If you're going to reject a man, try to be quick and painless but never bring up the "just friends" thing. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here and have freaky circus sex all night?
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